Burning My Bacon

That's a saying my Grandmother and I made up while camping one summer. We were sitting around the morning campfire, and the fire was too hot. I said, "That really burns my bacon." She laughed. I then started swaggering around like John Wayne saying "Well pilgrim, that really burns my bacon."

Well, I was listening to the radio this morning. This morning talk show personality was explaining her trip to New York last week for a press junket. She said said the whole trip scared her, being alone and her first time in New York. Well, she gets in this cab and the driver starts telling her all these crazy stories. He says on 9/11, the two way radios were crackling with information of where not to be. They were warning eachother of what was about to happen and where.

OK, I don't know if this driver was going crazy or serious, but it really burns my bacon. I want this guy thrown in jail just for being an idiot. If he really herd cab drivers warning eachother, why didn't this driver turn them in afterwards? If this guy was doing the warning, as if he knew what was going to happen, he needs to be shot. The radio never mentioned his nationality.

I get so frustrated with our country sometimes. I'm hearing reports that the government is conceding there may already be nuclear weapons smuggled into our country. I'm hearing there has been documents exposing a longstanding plan to hit several large cities with these weapons. When are we going to crack down on this? When will the American people stand up and say enough! We need to quit our pansy attitude of border control. While we don't encourage immigrants to speak English, we try to force our hospitals to have interpreters. I don't get it. We need to start shutting down our borders in effort of controlling the trash that is getting in.

You know, when I use to dial information on the phone, it would simply say "What city and state please?" Then it started saying "For English, please stay on the line. Para Espanola, marke el numero dos." If you didn't press anything it would default to English. Now its says, "For English, please press one. Para Espanola, marke el numero dos." Is it going to someday default Spanish and make me choose English?

I don't want to go off on a tangent, though. I just feel, that if we wanted to, we could drastically reduce the threat by getting serious at our borders. You know, being a traitor is punishable by death in our country. Let's post these signs everywhere...only in English though.

I Bet That Puts a Kink in His Plow Line

That's just one of the great pearls given to me by my new dvd set...The Dukes of Hazzard Season 1. I didn't really set out to buy it. I went to rent it and they didn't have it to rent. So I shelled out the money and took my own copy home. I wonder how many others have been suckered into buying a movie because it was rented out? I get the last laugh here, because I love this show.

Let me explain why this is one of the best buys out there for rehashed tv shows.

1. The General Lee. Come on folks, this car was better than Samsonite luggage or a Timex watch. A gorilla could throw it down stairs after jumping up and down on it or it could fall into the lake, and you'd still hear the engine roaring. This car had the best sounding engine, hot hubs, a killer paint job, and could fly. Watch the show if you don't believe me. It beats the h e double hockey sticks out of Kit. If you don't know who Kit is, catch up and relive the 80's. This car was so dang sharp, it's tire squealed on dirt. The doors didn't even open...that would slow them down.
2. Daisy Duke. My first childhood crush. Her name inspired a style. Sheesh. She could drive, she could fight, and wasn't scared of the law enforcement.
3. It has nonstop car chases. Let's say the Duke boys are going to round up some posse to intercept a truck load of casino machines. First, there will be a scene with them ripping out of town towards the junkyard. They'll tear into the junkyard where a few guys and their hotrods will be waiting. Then, for good measure, they'll have some muscle car version of dogfights just to get out of the junkyard. That'll last for 10min. Then the cars hit the road running. Man, we haven't even gotten to the main plot and I'm already pumped full of adrenaline.
4. Uncle Jesse. Full of wisdom, integrity and sayings like, "Making moonshine ain't illegal for the Dukes because we were doing it before the government said it was illegal." He's got his head on straight. You gotta love them overalls, too.
5. That theme song. I can't get enough of it. I believe in heaven; and my heaven will have this song available for listening 24/7 at request. Besides, Waylon Jennings grew up in a little west Texas town called Littlefield. He's a local for me. They loved his voice so much, they let him commentate the whole show.
6. For allowing me to believe I could grow up driving my muscle car around town, dodging police, and squealing my tires on dirt.
7. Daisy Duke. In case you forgot I mentioned her. I don't want you calling me names. Besides, she needs mentioning twice.

And that's just a sample of why I love this show.

Stop Ye Faint of Heart

I have to get something off my chest. But first I want to warn anybody reading this.

NOTICE
If your faith is easily shaken, if questions or doubts about your faith tear you up, or if you hold the strong belief that we shouldn't say anything to discourage others from our faith, then consider yourself notified.

Now that that's taken care of....

I want you to admit something. This is something that has taken me many many years to admit. I want you to admit that Christianity really does seem like fantasy. I believe admitting these points may strengthen your faith. As I have found in my own life, if I can hold dear to that which sounds incredible, then I must truly believe. Stay with me here.

THE BIBLE

We believe in a book gathered from manuscripts thousands of years old. We believe it holds the key to all our understanding. We believe so blindly, we stake our eternal self on it. We rationalize every argument against believing in it. Nevermind the controversies of extra books in some versions: theories that the early Roman Catholic Church doctored the bible to fit their needs, burning down the biggest library (at the time) in Alexandria to protect their alleged doctored bible. We believe and hold on to it despite the clan who claim to have wrote it, the Jews, to be in total disagreement with us as to the outcome.

We can't even agree what's literal and what's symbolism. Does the bible show the 6000 yr timeline of our earth? Can it? Did the flood cover the entire earth? Or just a portion of it? Does not the book of Job blow your mind? What's going on there? How about Song of Psalms? Who put that in there? Where did those people come from that Cain hooked up with? Why are the prophecies so hard to understand? Why can't we decipher Revelations. Admit it, this book is controversial to say the least.

JESUS

Am I the only one that can admit the whole idea of Jesus seems strange? I've yet to get my fingers around "not worshipping other Gods before me" but yet trusting that Jesus is God incarnate on earth who now is our mediator to God. So God sent his son, or his self, to die for our sins, so that this son, or his self, would be the one to present us as righteous to God, or himself? It's confusing to say the least. I've used a lot of double talk and danced around this issue. But it remains that we definitely seem to pray to three separate entities, yet teach as they are the same. Does it not sound a little like we have a couple of gods and we really work hard to convince ourselves we don't.

SALVATION

Before Jesus, it was the slaughter of animals. Then Jesus was slaughtered for the final sacrifice or atonement. Does it not seem strange that God would set it up so that first: slaughter after slaughter was our way to set things right with God, and second: and now we picture a dead figure on a cross when we think of our own salvation. I tell you, the Catholic Church remains loyal not to let that image die. Basically death surrounds our salvation.

Here's a list of other things we could expand on:

• Creation (young earth) vs. evolution: does the young earth have time for the dinosaurs?
• Freewill vs. predestination: it seems these are at odds, then you have folks say it's both. hmm
• Does it not bother you that Godly men walking with God could be either side of an issue like above?
• How about the hundreds of denominations? Can't we all just get along?

Folks, I just simply want us to view this faith in what we have simply as what it is....faith. Hopefully, admitting some of the points above will only expose how solid your faith is. Hang on to that which is essential. Don't sweat the stuff we can't seem to agree on even after 2000 yrs.

Gen 15:6 And he believed in the LORD; and he counted it to him for righteousness.

MC Strikes Again

I have a neverending battle with forgetfulness. As a kid in college, I could be seen running in and out of my front door several times, any given morning, remembering things I needed to bring.

On business trips I have forgotten socks, combs, toothbrushes, you name it. I once forgot the power adapter for my laptop.

Well, this morning I blissfully sit down in my office and relax in the calmness. See, yesterday had me running around like a three legged cat covering poop on a marble floor. I hardly got a chance to even sit yesterday. But today....aaaahhhhhh.

Suddenly, a flash of electrical output somehow connects a couple of synapses in my brain and forms into a thought and the slightly audible, "oh no."

Yesterday, I was suppose to be at the courthouse for jury duty. Wow, I completely forgot. The city just had a huge press conference a few days back relating how they were going to start cracking down on these delinquents who weren't showing up for duty. I just knew I was going to be fined or worse, having a court summons in my honor. I even debated not calling in effort of not drawing any attention. Nevertheless, I hastily call the number on my summons and the lady on the other end calmly reschedules me for August 10th.

You folks better remind me this time.

Stop the Madness

Sheesh. Now my dvd player crapped out. What's going on here? It's not an expensive one, but it came with the surround sound system blah blah. Well, I go to Bestbuy to pick up a player. Guess what? You can't (according to these folks) just walk in and buy a player that is ready for the surround sound. You have to buy a new system. Son of a building block. (points for who can guess that movie quote). So I find another cheap system, pay $20 for 3yrs of warranty and hook it back up.

I can't win for losing.

Hey, I've been doing some interesting studies on a the largest organized social club in the world. It spans several continents, several hundred years, and recently gained some interest due to a movie released last year. I relate some of this here.

And May God Smote Thee

Do you ever have one of those moments where you just want to let out a string a verbiage vomit? I'm talking the kind of verbiage filled like a twinkie with colorful adjectives and adverbs and four letter monstrosities. Picture Clark Griswald in Christmas Vacation after he gets the "Jelly of the Month Club" gift. Let's review his thoughts..

I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten, floor-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d****less, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey sh** he is! Hallelujah! Holly Sh**! Where's the Tylenol?

I felt like repeating this after getting the shaft from Gateway computers. I bought a laptop in March '02. It came with a three year warranty. In the spring of '04 the screen goes out so I get it replaced for free. The screen just went out again.

I call gateway, wading through the annoying neverending menu choices. After reach a suitable destination, I'm automated to enter in my serial number. I then go on hold for eternity. After my clothes come back from being out of style, a man comes on and asks me what he can do. I explain my situation. He then asks me for my serial number. Dangit, didn't I just callous my fingers punching that number in? Nevertheless, to keep things moving, I give it to him. He then tells me, after a few more questions about what exactly is wrong, that the warranty is expired and that it's gonna cost me over $500 to get this fixed.

Here's how the conversation went:

Gateway Useless Employee #432: (in some accent I can't pin down) We can start a workorder and replace your screen for $568.

Shocked Me: Is this not covered under warranty?

Might as Well be Automated Gateway Guy: As I said, you bought the computer in March '02, the three year warranty expired March of this year.

Frustrated Me: But the screen is less than a year old. You replaced it just recently. Does it not have a warranty?

Hearing Impaired Guy: All repair work is guaranteed for 30 days. Any work performed during warranty falls under that warranty or is guaranteed for 30 days, whichever is longer.

Hot Under the Collar Me: A lot of good that does me. I sent my computer to be fixed during the warranty period. You guys supposedly fixed it. It limped along for a few months, and then breaks again. It doesn't sound like you guys fixed it at all. You should be required to do it right.

Gateway to Hell Employee: I'm sorry sir, the warranty expi...

Face Twitching and Starting to Shake Me: I know: I'll just trash this computer you won't fix and get another brand at Best Buy.

Acts Like He Cares Guy: Hold for just a minute sir.

I go on hold just to have him come back and repeat the same garbage. Perhaps I'll call back and ask for a supervisor or something. I just feel like I'm getting the shaft here. Actually, I feel a little better after venting here.

One Small Step for the Toddler...

...And one giant leap for resting my eyeballs.

Kim and I have always struggled getting Audrey to sleep at night. She always been in our bed which usually means I wind up in another bed. She gets up several times a night and basically drains us (more so my wife.)

We recently tried something we had abandoned a few months ago. A routine. Showing my inept ability as a dad, I would let Audrey run hog wild around the house until I was tired, and then we would go lay down.

For a couple of days now, we have changed the routine, or perhaps created one. Now Audrey gets a bath about 8:30 and then I lay her down in her bed, read a book or two, and get her to fall asleep. Guess what? She has basically slept through the night in her own bed two nights in a row.

(Chorus of angels singing praise)

Tag: Five Missed Childhood Memories

Catez over at Allthings2All tagged me to talk about five things I miss from childhood. Let's jump right into it.

1. First and foremost, I miss the lack of responsibility. You remember, those carefree days in the summer when all you had to do was get back to the house before the sun was gone. In fact, The Thinklings just had a post about the changing times of playing outdoors. But there's more than that. Thought processes were different back then. I didn't think about consequences, or what others might think of me, or clutter my head with any of those worries. I just did it. When two of my cousins and I wanted to ride my Spiderman Big Wheel down a big hill, we just hopped on it and rode down the hill. Well, at least half way....before it broke in half. It's just that sometimes the weight of adulthood gets a little heavy.

2. I miss playing stupid games with my dad. See, my mother left us when I was about 5, so dad was my entire world for those next all important 5yrs (before he got remarried.) For a while, he and I lived in a little pull behind trailer on 20 acres of West Texas land. We had no running water and no electrical lines. The simple things tend to entertain you in the middle of nowhere. Well, we played Crazy 8s all the time. We would take turns counting down 60 seconds, to see who could keep closest with a clock. After a big rain, dad and I would grab a couple of golf tees and head down to the ravine. We would put our tees in the water and race them. I miss army-marble too. This consisted of a bucket of those green army men and a couple of marbles. We would set up our men, each of us taking a side. And then we would take turns shooting the marble at eachother's men. Last man standing wins. I could go on. But I'll never forget those days.

3. I guess that leads me to the next item. Those 20 acres. I miss that sorely: the adventures, and games and dangers and lack of civilization. My memories of the short time we lived there could fill a book. The acreage offered everything from rattlesnakes to missing days of school because we couldn't get out after a decent snowfall. When I hear "those were the days" sung in All in the Family, these memories flood my senses.

4. I miss the unadulterated love of a dog. It seems I always had a dog, a best friend, and still do. Dad and I moved a lot. A dog helped keep me grounded with ever loving presence. And when I say unadulterated, I mean the lack of concern for hygiene. I didn't care about the hair, or the slobbering, or his paws on the couch or bed. Now, I try to control the hair, I can't stand him just standing there licking me, and I certainly don't let him on the bed. I miss the days where it just didn't matter.

5. I miss Saturday morning cartoons. Cartoons in the early eighties had the same impact on me then as the Thursday primetime lineup does now. That was about the only thing I had to look forward too in the fall as a kid. I dreaded school, missed the summer, but oh man, the new shows came out on fall Saturday mornings. I used to record the theme songs on tape and listen to them at night. Now you barely get to see a cartoon on Saturday morning. Where did they all go? At least my generation has put up the Cartoon Network.

Perhaps I'll take this one step further and list 5 things I don't miss from childhood in another post. That could be just as interesting.



1. Just Ask Judy
http://justaskjudy.blogspot.com/2005/06/ive-been-tagged.html

2. Loose Leaf
http://www.looseleafnotes.com/archives/2005/06/meme_5_things_i.html

3. Black Currant Jam
http://blackcurantjam.blogspot.com/2005/06/meme-5-things-i-miss.html

4. Allthings2all
http://allthings2all.blogspot.com/2005/06/i-wanted-green-hair.html

5. Because I'm Not Dead Yet

Final Nigerian Post

I was going to send the following to my Nigerian pen pal. But I have already grown weary of this and am not going to send it. I'm tired of my new friend. Bonus points for whoever gives me the name of the character I'm pretending to be in the first paragraph.

I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and... uh... my thermos. My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi. I made it big one day by inventing some specialized glasses. I called them the nose grabbers. Well, I eventually got sued and lost everything. That was ten years ago.

Here's the problem. I'm one of those crazy guys who shut down everything during the y2k scare. If you're not familiar with it, many people (including me) thought most electronic equipment utilizing date information was going to power down. I gathered food, water, and several guns and plenty of ammo for the inevitable collapse of the country.

Because of my beliefs, I closed out all of my accounts and accumulated the cash in a centralized location. I have since used all the money to pay for food, etc. I no longer utilize any banking institutions. It has made some portions of my life more difficult, but such is life. I currently work in a small gas station. I sleep in a guest room in the back. The owner pays me just enough to eat. He also lets me use his station computer to make internet friends. I am excited because my name just got put in the phonebook. I'm somebody now. Things are going to start happening to me now.

However, I have a solution. Perhaps you are interested in buying one of my unused motorbikes? It is in great shape. With your money, I could set up an account which I will then relay all routing information to you. To make this simple, I will sell the bike for $150. That's all the local bank requires to open an account. Just send me a cashier's check for $150. With this money, I can open a bank account.

If you are interested, let me know.

My Nigerian Pen Pal PART 3d

Wow, here's another email he sent me over the night. Here's where we get a heartfelt glimpse into the wonderful life that is ENGR. IDIOMA ST. MICHAEL ADAMS.

FOR MORE CLARIFICATION AND TO MAKE YOU LESS CURIOS

DEAR PARTNER,

FOR MORE CLARIFICATION AND TO MAKE YOU LESS CURIOS,MY FULL NAME IS ENGR. IDIOMA ST.MICHAELS ADAMS.I HAIL FROM ISU IN ENUGU STATE.BORN ON APRIL 28TH 1942 INTO THE FAMILY OF CHIEF AND CHIEF MRS.PATRICK IDIOMA ADAMS.MY FATHER WAS A SHOOL TEACHER WHILE MY MOTHER WAS A NURSING SISTER.THEY WERE PURELY CHRISTIANS WHICH I AM ALSO.TO BE BRIEF, I BAGGED MY FIRST DEGREE IN MECHANICAL ENGINEERING FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF NIGERIA,NSUKA IN THE YEAR 1966.HOWEVER I WORKED WITH A GERMAN CONSTRUCTION FIRM TILL THE WAKE OF 1979 WHEN I WENT IN FOR MY MASTERS DEGREE. LIFE TO ME THEN WAS AT A STAND STILL AND HECTIC BECAUSE I HAD TO CATER FOR MY WIFE AND NEWLY BORN BABY.I GOT MARRIED TO MISS CYNTHIA IN 1968, A GRADUATE OF AGRICULTURE AND FORESTRY.SHE WORKS PRESENTLY WITH THE NIGERIA NATIONAL AGRICULTURAL RESEARCH HERE IN LAGOS.

HOWEVER,UPON COMPLETION OF MY PROJECT(MASTER DEGREE ENGINEERING)IN THE UNIVERSITY IN 1971,I GAINED EMPLOYMENT WITH THE NIGERIA NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION(NNPC)THROUGH MY ELDER BROTHER WHO WAS THEN A COLONEL IN THE NIGERIA ARMY.I AM STILL WITH THE CORPORATION TODAY AS THE CHAIRMAN OF CONTRACT AWARD COMMITTEE(NNPC)MY MARRIAGE IS HOWEVER BLESSED WITH 3(THREE)CHILDREN AMONG WHOM ARE SMART(A MEDICAL DOCTOR(HE IS THE ONLY MAIL CHILD,BORN IN 1969,ROSEMARY A BANKER,19719MARIIED)NAD IFEOMA,1974.I AM PRESENTLY RESIDIND AT NO.2 JOSEPH EGOBIA STREET,(NNPC STAFF QUARTERS FALOMO IKOYI,LAGOS)IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO INFORM YOU THAT THIS IS MY FIRST MAJOR BUSINESS SINCE I STARTED WORKING WITH THE NNPC.I AM A CIVIL SERVANT.

I PRAY THAT THIS BIOGRAPHY WILL HELP REDUCE YOUR CURIOCITY.NOTE THAT THIS BUSINESS IS VERY SENSITIVE AND SHOULD BE TREATED WITH CAUTION.I AM VERY MUCH AFTER THE SOLID RELATIONSHIP WE ARE TRYING TO BUILD BACAUSE I BELIEVE THAT FRIENDS ARE MADE AND SOME ARE DISCOVERED.AND I ALSO BELEIVE I HAVE GOTTEN A TRUE FRIEND IN YOU.LET ME ASSURE YOU THAT MY WORD IS MY HONOUR.KINDLY GIVE ME A BRIEF BIOGRAPHY OF YOURSELF TO ENABLE ME KNOW YOU BETTER AS YOU KNOW,WE HAVE NEVER MET.

GOD BLEES YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

TRULY YOURS.

ENGR. IDIOMA ST.MICHAEL ADAMS.

My Nigerian Pen Pal PART 3c

So I'm suppose to fill this form out and send it back to these guys. I'll come back to it. Let's put it in my to do file right now.

My Nigerian Pen Pal PART 3b

Alright, here's the next email he sent me at the same time as the last one. Let's post it on my blog for everyone to enjoy. See how much fun a pen pal can be!!!

VIEW ATTACMENT FORM FILL IT AND SEND TO ME VIA EMAIL\PAYMENT APPLICATION INFORMATION/ MORE DETAILS

DEAR PATNER,

PAYMENT APPLICATION INFORMATION/ MORE DETAILS

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR FINDING OUT TIME TO CARRYOUT THIS TRANSACTION WITH US. AS EXPLAINED IN MY FIRST LETTER TO YOU, WE ARE MEMBERS OF CONTRACT AWARD COMMITTEE OF THE NIGERIA NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION. BE INFORMED THAT THE NNPC IS A GOVERNMENT AGENCY SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR PROSPECTING, REFINING AND MARKETING OF PETROLEUM PRODUCTS IN NIGERIA AND PETROLEUM ACCOUNTS FOR 98% OF OUR FOREIGN EARNINGS/REVENUE.
IN 1998 TO BE PRECISE, THE NNPC AWARDED VARIOUS CONTRACTS TO SO MANY FOREIGN CONTRACTORS AND COMPANIES, ALL OF THIS CONTRACTS HAS BEEN FULL COMPLETED AND PAID FOR, HOWEVER, DUE TO OUR POSITIONS AS MEMBERS OF CONTRACT AWARD COMMITTEE (CAC), WE WERE ABLE TO OVER-INVOICED A PARTICULAR CONTRACT AMOUNT THAT DOES NOT BELONG TO ANY FOREIGN CONTRACTOR AS IT WERE. THIS IS WHY WE SEND YOU THE FIRST E-MAIL.

THE IDEA THEREFORE, IS THAT YOU WILL SUBMIT A LETTER OF CLAIMS (PAYMENT APPLICATION FORM V) TO THE NNPC ASKING THEM TO PAY YOU THE SUM OF $28.6M. AS A RESULT OF CONTRACT YOU DID FOR THEM IN 1998/99. OF COURSE, WHEN THEY RECEIVE SUCH CLAIMS THEY WILL FORWARD IT TO THE CONTRACT AWARD COMMITTEE DEPARTMENT FOR VERIFICATION AND SINCE THIS IS WHERE WE WORK, WE ALREADY KNOW THAT IT'S COMING AND WILL IMMEDIATELY APPROVE IT WITHOUT ANY WASTE OF TIME. LAUGHS!!!

MORE IMPORTANTLY, WE HAVE GONE A STEP FURTHER TO MAKING NECESSARY ARRANGEMENTS WITH THE OFFICIALS OF THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND THE APEX PAYING BANK OF NIGERIA FOR THE ISSUANCE OF ALL RELEVANT FINAL PAYMENT APPROVAL ON YOUR BEHALF. NOTE THAT THIS FINAL PAYMENT APPROVALS WHEN SECURED WILL PROVE BEYOND ANY REASONABLE DOUBTS THAT THE US28.6M BELONGS TO YOU AND CAME AS A RESULT OF CONTRACT THAT WAS DULY AWARDED AND EXECUTED BY YOU IN NIGERIA AND DOES NOT VIOLATE ANY KNOWN NIGERIAN LAW OR INTERNATIONAL LAW/ ARBITERATION.AS SOON AS ALL APPROVALS ARE SUCCESFULLY SECURED TO SHOW THAT THE MONEY BELONGS TO YOU AND OR YOUR COMPANY, THE TRANSACTION WILL BE BANK TO BANK AFFAIR TO SATISFY YOUR GOVERNMENT AND TO PROVE TO YOUR BANKERS THAT THE MONEY BEIGN TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT IS YOUR CONTRACT ENTITLEMENTS AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DRUGS, MONEY LAUNDERING OR ANY FORM OF TERRORISM.

WHEN THE PAYMENT IS READY, IT SHALL BE TRANSFERED TO YOUR ACCOUNT BY APEX PAYING BANK OF NIGERIA (APBN), WE SHALL NOW COME FOR THE SHARING OF THE FUNDS AS STIPULATED IN MY FIRST EMAIL. WE SHALL USE OUR SHARES TO INVEST IN YOUR COUNTRY, THIS IS BECAUSE WE DO NOT WISH TO BRING BACK CASH TO NIGERIA. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT YOUR SHARES IS 30% OURS IS 60% WHILE 10% SHALL BE USED TO REIMBURSE ALL EXPENSES E:G OUR TELEPHONE BILLS AND OR ANY KIND OF EXPENSES THAT MAY CROP-UP DURING THE COURSE OF THIS TRANSACTION.

PLEASE FIND ATTACHED THE NNPC PAYMENT APPLICATION/INFORMATION DATA FOR YOUR COMPLETION. FILL IN THE REQUIRED DETAILS, AND RETURN BAK BY MAIL TO US FOR SUBMISSION AND PROCESSING AT THE FMF AND PRESIDENCY.

NOTE:
(1) CONTRACTS DETAILS ARE AS FOLLOWS
A. AMOUNT APPLIED FOR - US$28.6MB. CONTRACT AWARD DATE - OCTOBER 11,1998C. CONTRACT REF NUMBER - NNPC/PED/2040-X/98/99D. CONTRACT COMPLETION DATE - AUGUST 6 2000E. CONTRACT LOCATION - PORT HARCOURT REFINERY
(2) PURPOSE OF PAYMENT:- SUPPLY INSTALLATION AND COMMISSIONING OF 250,000 MONAX AXIAL FLOW TURBINE AND 250 BPSD POLYPROPYLENE FOR PORT HARCOURT REFINERY.
FINALLY I AM SURE THAT YOU NOW UNDERSTAND CLEARLY THE NATURE OF THIS TRANSACTION, NEEDLESS TO CAUTION THAT THIS TRANSACTION REQUIRES UTMOST TRUST, HONESTY AND ABSOLUTE CONFIDENTIALITY.

BEST REGARDS,

ENGR. IDIOMA ST. MICHAEL ADAMS

My Nigerian Pen Pal PART 3a

I've got a very responsive email buddy. Let's see what he has to say.

CALL ON MY TELEPHONE THE LINE IS OPUNE

DEAR FRIEND/PARTNER,

READ YOUR MAIL AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THET THERE IS NO RISK ASSOCIATED WITH THIS TRANSACTION BECAUSE IT WAS CAREFULLY PLANNED IN OTHER TO AVOID ANY FORM OF HITCH OR RISK,

PLEASE CALM DOWN.HOWEVER, AT THIS JUNCTURE,I WILL IMPLORE TO FURNISH US WITH YOUR FULL BANK ACCOUNT DETAILS AND YOUR PERSONAL INFO.TO ENABLE US MOVE AHEAD,


IT'S VERY IMPORTANT AS IT'S URGENT.EXPECTING YOUR QUICK REACTION TODAY AND DO ENDEAVOUR TO CALL ME ON MY CELL PHONE-234 802 764 0445BYE FOR NOW,

ADAMS

I assume he is referring to another email which he sent. Let me post it for you to enjoy.

My Nigerian Pen Pal PART 2

So here's my letter back to my newfound friend across the sea. Let's anxiously wait and see what he writes back about.


Please see my below comments in red. If these issues are addressed to my satisfaction, perhaps we can reach an agreement.

Phone: (24 hours): 234 802 764 0445 (phone number was invalid, why should I trust you if invalid phone numbers are given to me?)
PLEASE REPLY TO-Email:isa_frank2@yahoo.co.in

I am the chairman of the contract award committee of the oil ministry here in Nigeria, for security reasons, I may not wish to disclose how I got your email address for now. (You seem to trust me enough to contact me with this offer, why wouldn't you tell me how you got my email address?)

After due deliberation with my partner (I didn't know the Chairman of the Contract Award Committee had a partner. What is the partners's name and title?) , I decided to forward to you this business proposal, we want you to assist us receive the sum of Twenty eight million, six hundred thousand united state bills(us28.6m) into your account. This fund resulted from an over-invoiced contract awarded by us under the budget allocation to my ministry and the bill was approved for payment by the concerned ministries. The contract was executed, commissioned and the contractor was paid his actual cost of the contract. Now, we are left with the balance of us28.6m as the over invoiced amount, which we have deliberately over estimated for our own use. Please note that the law forbids civil servants to operate or own foreign accounts hence this contact (You are not suppose to steal money either, but that didn't stop you.), we have agreed to share the money in the following percentages: 30 for you, 60 for us 10 for tax as may be required by your government. Because of the potentially high risk involved in participating in deals such as this, I will require 75% total.

Note that this transaction is very much free from all sorts of risk hence the business was carefully planned before it was successfully executed and we the officials involved in the deal have put many years in service to our ministry. I find it difficult to believe you and your partner could be so ignorant. Why would you so carefully plan this operation of stealing money, and yet not have a risk free way to move and launder the money in its entirety solely for your use without having to share it. We have been exercising patience for this privilege for so long not until the presidential announcement last week, that all foreign contractors owed be paid forthwith, this will enable the presidency reconcile our debt ratio with the outside world and to most of us, this is a lifetime blessing we cannot afford to miss. Upon indication of your interest to fully co-operate with us, a payment application/information form will be sent to you via email for completion. It's you who needs to cooperate with me. As I see you it, you have a small amount of time to secure this money for your personal use. I will list my terms at the end of this email. Note that the following information: a) bankers name and address, b) account number and account name and c) your private phone number and email address will enable us seek/secure approval of the fund from the concerned government quarters/ministries within 3-4 banking days.

As soon as we confirm receipt of this money in your nominated bank account, my partner and I will come over to your country to arrange for our own share and possibly invest part of this money in your country.

Let honesty and trust be our watchword throughout this transaction (The first thing a theif should learn, is never trust anyone, especially another thief. I would never fully trust you, therefore, you will operate per my terms). I shall furnish you with some details about myself. Your prompt reply will be highly appreciated.

Best regards.

Engr. stmichael adams idioma.

MY TERMS TO COMPLETE THIS TRANSACTION.
I first need proof that the money exists. What I want to see is a document from your ministry showing the full amount allocated for the contract. Next, I want to see the documentation of amount awarded to the contractor and the bank records showing proof of that award. Next, I will need bank records showing the remaining 28.6million being held. At this point, I might be satisfied the money is available.

After I am satisfied the money exists, I will need you and your partners banking information. I will cross check these records with my sources to ensure you are being completely honest with me. The bank offers a vast source of credit information which doubles as identity detection. It won't be hard to verify and shouldn't take very long, considering you are a chairman employed by the government. A day at most, is all I need for verification.
When we have verified the money exist, and that you are who you say you are, I will set up several accounts. I will need to spread the money as thin as possible to avoid detection. I will then begin to launder the money over time. I will launder in batches of several thousand at a time. I will take my 75% of the laundered money and transfer the rest into another foreign account. This foreign account will be set up by me so that you may pull from it at anytime.
Email me back, with scanned copies of the documentation I require. Also, I will need $1000 up front which will secure my interest in your transaction. I need this money sent to me via Western Union. However, first email me documention.

Next, I need you to tell the little boy who is riding the bicycle/generator (cause I know you are in a impoverished 3rd world country, whose cronic attempts at commiting fraud via email has caused every other nation to puke at the vile attempts of the government to receive outside help) to disengage. Tell him to remove the bike and ride as far away as he can. Then I need you to take a baseball bat (oh, you probably don't have that either), take a large rock and smash the 36 year old generator. Then, take whatever fuel you have, pour it all over the quansi hut, thatched hut, dugout, alleyway dive, you happen to be in, and then set it on fire. Then I want you to walk towards the coastline. Don't be scared when you reach the water. Just keep walking west. Feel free to start swimming if you are unable to hold your breath for longer than six months. Now, just keep swimming. I'll send a boat to pick you up. Don't worry about how will find you. I am in possesion of an idiotsychrometer. It will be able pinpoint the exact location of the two dirty socks you have mistaken for a brain. At that point my contact will proceed to beat you until you can't remember how many years you have plagued this planet with your stench. With any luck, you'll still be alive when they bring you to my door.

Now see, I'm a big fan of war novels etc. Through reading and watching movies, I've learned a few tricks of torture. Perhaps I'll borrow a technique from a Mexican I read about. He would take his prisoners to a very remote location in the mountains of south Texas. He would take a very sharp knive and skin his victims and then hang them on an open platform hundreds of feet in the air for the buzzards to play with.

Email me back and we'll find something the both of us can agree to.

Best Regards

My Nigerian Pen Pal PART 1

Hey, I've just gotten an email from a Nigerian who wants to be my friend. I'll share our letters back and forth here.


adams stmichael idi
06/21/2005 06:41 AM

To
isa_frank10@eresmas.com
cc

Subject
CALL ME

Phone: (24 hours): 234 802 764 0445PLEASE REPLY TO-Email:isa_frank2@yahoo.co.in

I am the chairman of the contract award committee of the oil ministry here in Nigeria, for security reasons, I may not wish to disclose how I got your email address for now.

After due deliberation with my partner, I decided to forward to you this business proposal, we want you to assist us receive the sum of Twenty eight million, six hundred thousand united state bills(us28.6m) into your account. This fund resulted from an over-invoiced contract awarded by us under the budget allocation to my ministry and the bill was approved for payment by the concerned ministries. The contract was executed, commissioned and the contractor was paid his actual cost of the contract. Now, we are left with the balance of us28.6m as the over invoiced amount, which we have deliberately over estimated for our own use. Please note that the law forbids civil servants to operate or own foreign accounts hence this contact, we have agreed to share the money in the following percentages: 30 for you, 60 for us 10 for tax as may be required by your government.

Note that this transaction is very much free from all sorts of risk hence the business was carefully planned before it was successfully executed and we the officials involved in the deal have put many years in service to our ministry. We have been exercising patience for this privilege for so long not until the presidential announcement last week, that all foreign contractors owed be paid forthwith, this will enable the presidency reconcile our debt ratio with the outside world and to most of us, this is a lifetime blessing we cannot afford to miss. Upon indication of your interest to fully co-operate with us, a payment application/information form will be sent to you via email for completion. Note that the following information: a) bankers name and address, b) account number and account name and c) your private phone number and email address will enable us seek/secure approval of the fund from the concerned government quarters/ministries within 3-4 banking days.

As soon as we confirm receipt of this money in your nominated bank account, my partner and I will come over to your country to arrange for our own share and possibly invest part of this money in your country.
Let honesty and trust be our watchword throughout this transaction. I shall furnish you with some details about myself. Your prompt reply will be highly appreciated.

Best regards.

Engr. stmichael adams idioma.

Marathon to Marathon to Marathon

OK, the marathon I'm trying to get ready for is called Marathon to Marathon. It starts in a small west Texas town called Alpine, and ends in a smaller town called Marathon. Hence the name. You know all those movies and films which show that vast open rugged Texas terrain, in the midst of 5000ft peaks? Well, this is the place. It's a place of extreme solitude. Alpine boast a little college called Sul Ross, but frankly, I've never been to the little railroad junction Marathon. A whole 65 people populate the county above these towns. This is the area that occupies over half your drive from El Paso to Houston. See, Texas is the only state you can drive 500 miles east and still be in west Texas.

Well, this week starts my third week of training. I already had begun to lose focus, only doing about half the runs I should be. That is until Sunday morning came. I got up about 7:15 and decided I need to get the day's run in. See, Sunday is the long run of the week. It's the run that shocks your body and makes a man out of ya, so to speak. And this run was to be 9 miles. The most I have ever run before was 6 miles. I knew this would be a test.

After getting my proper gear on, and loosely lacing up my shoes, I hit the road. I finally got a bit winded at mile 7. Wow, I was doing great. Sure, my mph was slow, but my body felt good. Until I hit mile 9. All of a sudden, my gut felt like I just got sucker-punched. You know, when the entire area from just under the ribcage to top of your legs beckons you to curl into a ball. That's right, I had to go number 2. So I had a mile to go and my body is trying to spring clean. I am thinking I can't make it. I don't want to walk, that just prolongs this grueling pain, but running just intensifies it. I'm in a fix. That's when I see the construction site. We all know what construction sites have....porta-a-potties. Good lord it stunk from the visitors before me. It looked like the entire Texas Guard used this thing. You know what they say they though, you gotta fight fire with fire.

Well, I made the last mile on a jog. I completed my run. Now I'm motivated again. I feel like I can do this. However, my digestive track may disagree. I'll keep you informed, though not too graphically.

Reflect

I picture myself as a very easy going guy. VERY easy going. Almost to a fault (my wife would delete the word 'almost'). I'm also almost always in a good mood. I live on laughing. I'm rarely serious. Heck, I'm even a salesman. I have been described as a 'wild and crazy guy.'

Well, it struck me that this blog seems somewhat serious. Maybe it's that 'about me' description. It frustrates me that I generally make people laugh but can't seem to get it to come out in my writing as of late. It frustrates me more that I use to hand in stories that would make my teachers in college laugh. I read so many blogs that are very funny and I struggle with it.

Sigh. Perhaps I don't allow myself the time I would like to really develope stories here. And with that note, I'll end this post. ha

Roots

Last week, while doing the sales thing, I stopped to visit my Grandparents. They live in a little farming community about 4 hours north of me. It's not often I get to see them. It's nice my job allows the flexibility for me to stop while I'm in the area.

My wife has a saying she stole from Bill Cosby, "old people get nicer cause they are trying to get into heaven." I find that very funny and half truthful. Well, everytime I visit these Grandparents, we talk about Christianity. I spent a good three hours there and it dominated the majority of our conversation. It makes me think of my wife's saying.

I am finding them becoming less rigid in their thoughts. My grandmother, whose mother use to say "If you're not Baptist and Democrat, your going to hell," says she finds Baptists too rigid and wants to go to the Assembly of God. Wow, that's quite a statement, Grandma. We talked about the differences of faith and beliefs. And how many proclaiming to be Christians have a great deal of beliefs but no faith. We had a couple of disagreements. Grandpa believes we should live a good life to be a testimony to unbelievers. I told him I could never depend on my life to be an example, and that his thought process was way off course to what the good news is really about. To show my life as an example only perpetuates the idea that you have to be good to get into heaven. I said the gospel speaks for itself and doesn't need my life as an example. I'm not sure he understood what I was trying to say, though.

Anyway, it was a great visit. Grandma gave me a yo-yo blanket my mother made when I was just a little boy. It has swatches of my baby clothes in it. I was very grateful for that. I learned my great-great grandfather was an Englishman and he married a Comanche woman, my great-great grandmother. Interesting.

It's always good to visit them.

My First Video Posting

Click here to see me try to body surf.

1 

I'm finally getting around to posting pictures of Maui. Here's a shot from the NW side of the island. While most of the resort are on the east side, there is one road leading to the other side. It leads to the little town of Hana. It has 600+ curves, 100+ bridges, and is 52 miles long, but takes about 3hrs to drive. But let me tell you, this is the beautiful side of the island. It has the jungles and waterfalls and everything I expected these islands to have.