Final Nigerian Post

I was going to send the following to my Nigerian pen pal. But I have already grown weary of this and am not going to send it. I'm tired of my new friend. Bonus points for whoever gives me the name of the character I'm pretending to be in the first paragraph.

I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and... uh... my thermos. My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi. I made it big one day by inventing some specialized glasses. I called them the nose grabbers. Well, I eventually got sued and lost everything. That was ten years ago.

Here's the problem. I'm one of those crazy guys who shut down everything during the y2k scare. If you're not familiar with it, many people (including me) thought most electronic equipment utilizing date information was going to power down. I gathered food, water, and several guns and plenty of ammo for the inevitable collapse of the country.

Because of my beliefs, I closed out all of my accounts and accumulated the cash in a centralized location. I have since used all the money to pay for food, etc. I no longer utilize any banking institutions. It has made some portions of my life more difficult, but such is life. I currently work in a small gas station. I sleep in a guest room in the back. The owner pays me just enough to eat. He also lets me use his station computer to make internet friends. I am excited because my name just got put in the phonebook. I'm somebody now. Things are going to start happening to me now.

However, I have a solution. Perhaps you are interested in buying one of my unused motorbikes? It is in great shape. With your money, I could set up an account which I will then relay all routing information to you. To make this simple, I will sell the bike for $150. That's all the local bank requires to open an account. Just send me a cashier's check for $150. With this money, I can open a bank account.

If you are interested, let me know.